I'm struggling.
Picture this:
All three kids with no shirts on. They each have a straw that is under their armpit. While they blow into the straws, it makes a sort of farting noise. They march around the house blowing into their straws and making these farting noises. It's annoying, to say the least. I let it slide for a bit, cause they are happy and having fun, but then it's just too much.
I tell them to stop. All done now. They continue to blow into the straws. My voice raises a bit and tell them again to stop. Still more blowing. Then I blow up! "I've had enough of the fart noises! Put the straws in the trash!"
And then I look at Chloe. She's got a scar from her collapsed lung, and I can see it cause she still has no shirt on. It's a constant reminder for me of how bad things really were.
I lose it.
Why can't I just let the stupid fart noises slide? Why does it bother me so much? Why do I get upset so easily?
I know I'm just being a mom, and sometimes, I just get frazzled, but I have a hard time drawing the line from being a mom, and being a mom of a daughter who nearly died and I am reminded of it every time I try to discipline her. Shoot, I'm reminded of it every day I look at her! She's a miracle!
I feel like, how dare I yell at my daughter who IS HERE!!! SHE'S HERE! She could be dead, and she's not, and I'm choosing to yell at her!?!? What is my problem!?!?!
I need to find a balance, and I just can't! I feel guilty EVERY time I discipline my kids, and I know it's probably wrong to feel this way, but I just can't help it! Not sure what to do about it either.
You're human. You're allowed to be annoyed, frustrated and angry. What kind of an example would you be setting for them if you acted like everything was just perfect all the time? Or if you hid your emotions? They have to see reality, and reality is that we all have our breaking points. Mommies and Daddies have bad days, and better for them to see that now then to grow up thinking we're perfect and have all the answers. What a shock that would be to them as adults if their whole childhood we had tried to sugarcoat everything!
ReplyDeleteJust the mere fact that you stopped yourself and felt the guilt means that you do love them, and you don't want to be a nag, but sometimes things are just plain annoying. You are one of the kindest people I've ever met, and your kids remember the fun things you do more than the bad. You could have screamed at them, or beat them, but that's not in you. Instead, you came on here and reflected on it and got it out. Props to you! Hang in there, take some deep breaths and compliment yourself because you are finding a balance, it's not perfect, but at least you're trying.
And the guilt creeps in. Yes, your daughter is alive & well (PTL!!) & that alone is a miracle, but you're still "mom". Mom calls the shots. Mom enforces rules. When mom says stop, it needs to stop. You're being caught 'in the middle', so to speak.
ReplyDeleteI so understand where you are coming from. How piddly is playing with straws & making stupid noises, compared to almost losing a child?
You'll get there. In the meantime, try to do what I'm doing - LIT - Let It Go. Don't be too hard on yourself.